The Book of Eli

(and yes, there are spoilers ahead)

Short version- it was a well-made propaganda film for the Bible. Kinda felt like Ralphie after getting his decoder ring- "A crummy commercial? SonofaBITCH." I liked it though.

I enjoyed this dystopian view of the future & the vagueness of the event that created it. It's always a little more interesting when some details are left to the imagination. This was definitely an alternate reality though; one that could never be the result of the actual world we live in- no ipods and no kindles! What the hell kind of future could that possibly be? While the blindingly obvious lack of ipods was likely a branding/sponsor decision (with the lack of Kindles being a plot device- their existence would render the plot moot), it was interesting to see what companies had agreed to product placement: KFC, Busch, KMart (at this year's Comicon, I expect to see plenty of KMart nametags emblazoned with the name "Eli." The new 'nerd cred' status symbol, perhaps).

Like a majority of movies I see these days, I loved the concept, loved most of the execution, but was underwhelmed by the ending. I must say I saw the twist coming a mile away. Not sure if it's because I knew that a twist was coming; I'd like to think I would've guessed it anyway. Normally I never ever see a twist coming. I think The Others may be one of the few times I've called it. But I digress! I am a fan of digression, btw. So yeah, I thought about the blind thing when he was hunkered down in the abandoned house cooking that cat, and I watched the entire movie wondering if I was right, trying to find proof or disproof of that theory. I actually remember thinking of how he jumped in fright when he opened that closet and found the body hanging there. Struck me as kinda funny and authentic that a tough guy can still be startled. I retrospectively justified it in my mind that the smell is what made him jump, but his sense of smell was so strong, that didn't seem plausible. Couple other moments when they oversold the blind thing, especially when Mila Kinis remarked (needlessly) about how bright it was in his room, after we had just seen him viewing his bible by flashlight (which in hindsight made no sense and was a red herring just for the sake of being a red herring, which is storytelling bullshit). Also oversold- when one of the thugs said "It's like he's protected somehow." For fuck's sake, leave it to the audience to connect the dots, massive and unmistakable as you made those dots, about faith and man.

Other blindness "bloopers" (and to be fair, I am not a fan of picking a movie apart just for the sake of doing so. I just think that if you base the heart and soul of your story on an improbable Shyamalanian twist, you have to play fair and not go out of your way to unfairly dupe the audience): He looked everyone in the eye. I've known a few blind people, not to mention every other blind person in the movie, and that's not typical. His hearing and smell were WAY too refined. He was better at navigating his world sightlessly than Daredevil. And Daredevil has mutagenically enhanced senses AND radar! He could smell people yards away. And he could pinpoint shoot somebody just based on sound? Balderdash! Glaringly, how would he have found the first house he camped in? Let alone the house where the two well-armed old cannibals lived (sigh... Deus ex Machina. Shelter and the biggest cache of weapons this side of a Schwarzenegger movie) that he "saw" from maybe a half mile away! I'm willing to go with the fight scenes. I've always been a fan of the "blind swordsman" angle, and I can suspend my disbelief enough for that (I can also suspend disbelief that Mila Kunis can't read but can drive a car better than I can). And the opening scene, where he skewers that cat??? I don't care how good his hearing is, he was wearing a hood and mask and that cat was quiet as shit. Not to mention the logistical impossibility of him setting up that trap anyway. How did he manage to line up that shot in the first place? And how did he so easily grab the felled cat after shooting it? Those instances flew in the face of the subtle clues given later on- the way he would always touch the door before entering a room, the way he always first consulted the sun before heading West, and as I already mentioned the way he wouldn't shoot someone until they shot first thus giving up their position. Those were great, subtle clues about his lack of sight. It was cheap, bush league even, to intentionally mislead the audience in the other direction.

More anti-blindness hullabaloo: How did he know that the shop he entered was a shop at all, where he could barter? Love me some Tom Waits, by the by. Always pleasantly surprised when I find him in a movie. Also a fan of Oldman and Kunis. And the poster of A Boy and His Dog in the room where he stayed? Very nice touch. Yay digression! When he went to pick up his non-ipod MP3 player (like such a thing exists!) he spoke to the shopkeep as though he could see the cords plugged into his device. Even at the end, when they stopped on the Golden Gate bridge, let's just say he could tell where the side of the bridge was based on the wind. Or something. There is still no way he could know there were STEPS he would have to negotiate to get to the edge. And lastly, perhaps most annoyingly, how in fucking blazes can a blind man accurately paddle a rowboat towards an island? Backwards???

Inevitably, a die-hard fan of the movie might say faith allowed him to accomplish these things. But that explanation would render his blindness immaterial and undermine the twist.

All that aside, I did find it enjoyable. Mila Kunis has never looked hotter than when she strapped the Sword of Michael to her back and headed off for some sweet, sweet revenge. And the cinematography was top notch. From the washed out look of the film to the fucking beautiful tracking shots during the gunfight- moving from inside the house to back out, then in again. Out-fucking-standing. No doubt in my mind that those shots were digitally stitched together, but it was still a thing of bullet-driven beauty.

The blindness thing was just too contrived and altogether unnecessary. Would've been a cool story even if he could see. Maybe not quite as strong a statement about faith, but I argue it would still be a solid faith-based tale. I was thinking (hoping) that the Bible he finally handed over to Gary Oldman was either boobytrapped with a bomb (but they already did that once), blank pages (because he obviously already had it memorized), or written in either a different language or illegible shorthand. Those would've all been as good as, if not better. And when the Librarian (Malcolm McDowell!!!) asked "Can I see the Bible?" it was already obvious that it was memorized even before Denzel described himself as the book "Kinda beat up, but it'll do the job." Just after that scene I was thinking it'd be cool to see the other journeys that other zealots had made as they brought the Qur'an, etc to the library. Alas, those books were already there.

Before I saw the movie I had actually contrived my own twist in the week or so since I learned this flick had one. Imagine if the movie plays as is until Gary Oldman leaves him for dead, but before Mila Kunis jacks the truck. Now imagine it cuts to the reveal: Denzel is a patient at a mental hospital, no known family, no one knows anything about his history other than he's been a patient for 30 years and he is certifiably insane. He has a book (in real life) that he is obsessed with and defends. There have been instances where other patients or staff tried to check his book out and he attacked them, severely beating them. It's all been his fantasy world; Oldman is his shrink, and he is not an evil guy at all. He finally got the book from Eli- hence Eli imagining being shot and dying. Dr Oldman opens the book and it's just blank pages. Eli dying in real life as he dies in his fantasy world. Roll credits.

Boom! (that means I'm done)

Fun with spam emails Pt 3

Another spam email that I replied to. This one never wrote me back, possibly because of my pervasive (yet intentional) grammatical errors. Or possibly because they did steal my idea!

THE FONDATION DE FRANCE(FDF)
http://www.fdf.org
16 Rue Lanterne,
Lyon 69001, France.

The Fondation De France(FDF) would like to notify you that you have been chosen as one of the final recipients of a cash Grant/Donation for your own personal, educational, and business development. We are giving out US$1,350,000.00 each to 100 lucky recipients in different categories for their personal business development and enhancement of their educational plans.

The objective is to make a notable change in the standard of living of people all around the Universe (From America to Europe, Asia to Africa and all around), probably like in the next 20yrs.

Based on the random selection exercise of internet websites and millions of supermarket cash invoices worldwide, you were selected to receive the award. (Note that all beneficiaries email addresses were selected randomly from over 100,000 internet websites or a shop's cash invoice around your area in which you might have purchased something from).

You are required to contact the Executive Secretary below, for qualification documentation and processing of your claims. After contacting our office, you will be given your donation pin number, which you will use in collecting the funds. Please endeavor to quote your Qualification numbers (FDF-444-6647-9163) in all discussions.Reply to:

Executive Sec. Mr. Dane Blarer
Email:daneblarer_04fdf@yahoo.fr


On behalf of the Board kindly, accept our warmest congratulations.

Regards.
Mrs. Claudia Lauren

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: GRANT/DONATIONS AWARD 2008!!!
...
Mon, February 4, 2008 5:24:40 PM
To: daneblarer_04fdf@yahoo.fr


Hey that is awesom about the grant money. I need to give you my info so you can send me a check? I have a great idea to change the world. It is the idea to train badgers to rescue starving people from their starvation. Badgers are notoriouos for finding food and if I can train them (I have allready trained one and it is a success!!!) to find starving people and carry them to where the food is it litterally has the possibility to change how the world is run and not have people die from starving anymore!

PLeas send money.

PS- if you think to stael my idea I can sue you!

Fun with spam emails Pt 2

Here's another spam reply I sent. She actually wrote back to me, but it was very long-winded and she clearly didn't actually read what I wrote to her. Oh well.


From: rihard1922@webandmail.co.uk
Subject: for charity
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 2009 17:58:27 +0000

Good Day
I am Rita Richardson, My Doctor have diagonised me cancer. I have decided to donate $4.8 million, to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husband's effort to fund the upkeep of the less privilege.
Pls. respond: rihardsonz24@gmail.com
Thanks
Rita Richardson

------------------------------------------

RE: for charity‏
From: (xxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sun 11/08/09 4:31 PM
To: rihardsonz24@gmail.com
How great! This is not only extremely lucky but incredibly ironic- I've been working on a device to give poor people cancer; not only would it help with overpopulation, but it would also (eventually) end their needless suffering.

This money you are generously donating will help me finish my research and will technically achieve your wish of assisting the less fortunate. Thank you so much!!!


Mr Miyagi

Fun with spam emails

I get just as much junk email as everyone else, mostly to my hotmail account (which is why I rarely use that one anymore). Even though that's all I really get via hotmail, I keep that account open. Because to me, spam emails are a lot of fun. I try to write back to the really good ones. Occasionally, they respond to my reply, and then it's just a matter of how long I can string them along before they give up on me. Or until I get their ssn and bank account info. No luck on that. Yet.

From: boa@haustier-chinchilla.de
Subject: accountant request
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 00:11:52 +0100

Dear friend,

My name is Mr. John Gelsthorp. I am the accountant of the FinBank Plc Victoria Island Lagos. I am married with two kids.

I am writing to solicit your assistance in the noble transfer of US$3,800,000.00 (Three Million, Eight Hundred Thousand US Dollars). This fund is the excess of what my branch in which I am the accountant made as profit last year. I have already submitted an approved end year report for 2008 and also submitted report of first quarter of this year 2009 to my Head Office here in Lagos and they will never know of this Excess. I have placed this fund on a SUSPENCE ACCOUNT without a beneficiary.

As an officer of the bank, I cannot be directly connected to this money thus I am impelled to request for your assistance to receive this money into your bank account. I intend to part with 30% of this fund to you while 70% shall be for me. I do need to stress that there are practically no risk involved in this. It is going to be a bank-to-bank transfer to your nominated bank account anywhere you feel safe. All I need from you is to stand as the original depositor of this fund.

If you accept this offer, I will appreciate your timely response.

Best regards,

Mr. John Gelsthorp

----------------------------------------------

Dear John Gelsthorp,

No offense, sir, but if you have an excess of $3.8MM that you are trying to cover up, you must be a piss-poor accountant. Seriously, where did you get your accounting degree? From a school advertised on a pack of matches? I suggest you update your resume and start looking for work. Preferably not for something that handles money. I doubt you'd even have success as a McDonald's register clerk. "Oh, excuse me, Mr Manager, my drawer is over by $150,000 tonight!" Nice as it sounds, that's the kind of problem that corporate would frown upon.

Anyway, good luck with that.

Christmas parties and gift exchanges

So just about every year no matter where I'm working there tends to be a holiday party with a gift exchange, usually with a $20 or $25 price tag. Lately they've been White Elephant, although you also might still find the "drawing names and getting a gift for someone specifically" style. Either way, I have been on a mission the last few Christmases to get the worst possible gift- without making it seem like I'm trying to bring a bad gift. Through years of trial and error I've refined it to the point where it's an art form, and I think I'm finally ready to spread my irreverent manner of holiday cheer.

Some of the ideas I'm about to present I like better than others. Some work more as a personal gift in the name-drawing method, some are more suited to the White Elephant, and some have crossover appeal. In any event I hope you find even a fraction of the amusement in reading the list as I did in compiling it.

And like I said, there was a good deal of trial and error involved, which is of course ongoing. For example, one of my first ideas was a hit of ecstasy- usually available for $20 to $25 (or so I've been told)- but then I thought "Hey, that's actually an awesome gift." Back then when I first set out on this worst-possible-gift journey, I was operating under a looser guideline of least-appropriate-gift. Amusing as that was, it didn't feel right to have the gift be something that someone would actually want. Thus the quest evolved.

Another early inspiration (after transitioning form inappropriate to unwanted) was found driving down the freeway. As I passed a U-Haul truck on the road, I couldn't help but notice the "$19.95 rental!" offer emblazoned on the side. What a perfect fit for my price range, I thought to myself.

And so begins the game, again keeping in mind that the gift has to seem thoughtful. If it was as easy as getting something useless you could just pick up a DVD of Glitter and be done. But there's no art in that. No finesse.

That being said, if you don't care for one of the ideas or if you see room for improvement, leave a comment. And if your comment is really good, you may find yourself the recipient of a special gift next year.

A U-Haul truck. Make certain it's accompanied by a note that says "return by noon tomorrow with a full tank of gas."
A coupon for 12 minutes of therapy. The guise of helpfulness or concern, and the unspoken suggestion that someone needs that kind of help.
A 5-gallon jug of gasoline. The high-octane stuff, don't chintz on quality.
2 large pizzas. Better if you get somewhat unusual toppings. Not too fucked up though, don't kill the gag. Best thing about this is that by the time your gift is opened it'll be cold.
A syringe and a vial of flu vaccine.
A $20 gift certificate to Bo-Rics. This works on so many levels- the thought that anyone would willingly go to Bo-Rics, the fact that it likely won't cover an appointment, and the backhanded complement that you think their hair needs improvement.
A puppy. Because who doesn't like puppies? Better yet- a pound dog. A pretty mangy one, too. I love this idea because it's sooo presumptive, that the recipient even wants a dog.
A $20 Christmas tree. Again, it'll seem thoughtful but it's hugely presumptive.
A box of condoms or a carton of cigarettes. Especially good for a "name-drawing" type of party.
A bootleg DVD of whatever hot blockbuster movie just opened, complete with shoddily (but not too much so) handmade cover and case.
Something- and here's where you can exercise your own creativity- that you can withhold part of. Like a cake with a slice gone, a chess set minus the bishops, a CD boxed set missing one of the discs. And earnestly explain that the missing piece is due to the fact that it was priced slightly above the pre-determined budget.
When all else fails, go to a pawn shop and ask "What can I get for $20?" Perhaps better- a gift certificate to the pawn shop, with the suggestion that their money can go farther there.

So that's my own personal game I play every year. I cannot stress enough that the gift has to appear thoughtful or the ruse becomes transparent.

Happy holidays!

Super NOODGE!

It's that time of year, bitches! And for those of you who don't know-

We created NOODGE as the antithesis to the consumer whore-dom of Christmas when we got tired of the insane crowds, the capitalistic urgency, and the requisite feeling that Corporate America was telling us that we just had to get each other the best, hottest, most perfect gift currently on the market.

Our non-commercial, non-religious, omni-cultural festivity is an acronym for Neutrally Organized Observation of Days for General Enjoyment. It's our new end of year holiday, and can be celebrated pretty much anytime in late December. Notice it's plural. It can be one day or several. For us, we prefer to celebrate NOODGE anytime we have the opportunity to take days off, or if we just plain want to ditch work. It's a time for relaxing, not shopping, not stressing, not fighting crowds... and enjoying people who bring joy and happiness to your life. It's all about leisure activity: renting movies, sleeping in, spending time with friends and family, frisbee, bar crawls, golfing, strip clubs, shopping.... No judgment. Whatever you like. Sure, shopping was one of the reasons we started NOODGE, but if you enjoy it and you can handle the crowds, cheers.

No gift giving is undertaken... in fact, giving of material gifts undermines the spirit of NOODGE. It's not at all about materialism. However, in the spirit of appreciating the things for which we're happy in life, it is definitely acceptable and encouraged to reach out to those less fortunate... Then again, the NOODGE is not the boss of you. If you want to throw the bitchinest beer bash of the year, or lose a skullful of brain cells in Vegas, that could be NOODGEriffic too.

If you're gonna give a NOODGE card, make your own. Creativity is one of the driving forces behind NOODGE. So don't buy some crappy, Hallmark junk; not that anyone makes NOODGE cards anyway. No specific decorations to be hauled out annually either. I do like to design a NOODGE shirt every year though. This year's design is below. What's that? The previous paragraph railed against materialism? Fuck it- our holiday, our rules. Also, I would recommend a big mug for cocoa or moonshine whatever it is you drink. A big mug means fewer refills!

Since most holidays seem to have totems or patrons, we have chosen "the dude" as the mascot of NOODGE. The dude and his old lady are the harbingers of mellowness and tolerance, peace and love, representing the antithesis of all that's wrong with commercial holidays. But be forewarned... if you have not been groovy this year, the dude will visit your house during NOODGE and piss on your rug.

One more thing about the timing of NOODGE... you can take a "floating NOODGE" anytime during the year if circumstances are right. Time off, impromptu gatherings, just plain feeling like it...

When celebrating NOODGE with others, try to keep it distinct from the other holidays. Don't use "happy" or "merry" in front of it. We'd like to maintain it's spirit of vitality.

Super NOODGE!

'09 NOODGE shirt

I usually have the shirts on Cafepress, but they didn't like my use of the Fight Club logo so they yanked this one. Same thing that happened to my '07 NOODGE shirt.

Older Noodge shirts can be seen here.

Cloud Cult is effing amazing

My favorite lyrics at the moment, "Where It Starts" by Cloud Cult-

I found god at the stroke of midnight with your tongue in my mouth, on New Year's Eve

I found god when I was twelve with my cousin, trying to get a buzz from shots of listerine

I found god in a Dr.Suess book

I found god in a dirty magazine

I found god in the words of Steve Miller: I really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree



I found god on a Wednesday afternoon, drinking boxed wine and wishing you would call me

I found god in the middle of the woods, spitting at the stars and making love to a tree

I found god when I quit smoking cigarettes

I found god in a bag of weed

I found god in the back of my head: Too scared to even talk to you, but dreaming you would marry me



I could find god if I could taste you

I could find god if you'd lay down next to me

I could find god in your secret places

I could find god if you'd only talk to me

I found god in the back of my head: too scared to even talk to you, but dreaming you would marry me
I found god in the words of Steve Miller: I really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a band my wife turned me on to a couple years back, and they never cease to blow me away with their music. I could probably write a freaking thesis on how amazing they are. That is, if I had the time, the patience, and the focus. I'm pretty sure that if ADD exists- which I don't necessarily believe it does, I think it's a cultural/societal phenomenon rooted in technology and our Western lifestyle in general, fast-paced as it is- I've got it in fucking spades. Shit. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah... Anyway, they are such talented musicians. They are literally uncategorizable. That's right, new word. Their music crosses almost all genres, they have so many different styles that you honestly can't pigeonhole them into one particular type of music.

And they are such passionate musicians, I think that's the thing that really hooks me in. Their music is just so magical and overflowing with pure emotion, the intensity is palpable. It's just a visceral experience; the only musical accomplishment that surpasses them for sheer emotional content and intensity is Johnny Cash's cover of "Hurt." I swear, I can't even listen to that song without first steeling myself for the experience lest I be overwhelmed by the magnificent sadness of that performance.

With Cloud Cult, so much of their music is permeated by that raw, driving emotion. There are songs of theirs that I know I can turn on and change my mood if need be. Another favorite of mine:



Like some kind of sonic drug, they just wash away all the superficial, dramatic bullshit and leave me basking in the glow of their delicately powerful aura. Not to say that the emotion is always positive; much of their music has a melancholy to it that Billy Corgan would trade his right arm for. Especially poignant are the songs they (or rather, "he," meaning Craig Minowa, the heart and soul of the band) wrote about their (Craig and his wife, Connie) son Kaiden, who died when he was 2. Craig wrote literally hundreds of songs about the tragedy- none that are really obvious in meaning on the surface- and he pours his heart into them. The best example of which is the song "Your Eighth Birthday," which is not only written for (as the title implies, 5 years after he died) but sung to his departed son. The lyrics are so childishly silly, perfectly capturing the innocence of youth, but still profoundly sad. I mean, just listen to the beautiful pain in his voice as he calls his son's name in the chorus, with an intensity that almost feels strong enough to pierce the veil between our world and the afterlife, letting his too-soon-departed son know that he is still greatly loved and even more greatly missed:



Holy. Shit. Gives me goosebumps just listening to it. Just amazing. Nothing else I write (nor anything I've written so far) can possibly capture the essence of what their music does for me. So I'll just be done.

Wait, one more nugget of the intricate link between love and sorrow- After Kaiden died, Craig and Connie split up. A fate none too surprising for couples who suffer that tragedy. But after splitting up, they eventually reunited and are now expecting another baby.

There is so much more that's cool about Cloud Cult- from the live paintings that are performed on stage at all their concerts, to the massive efforts they put into being a truly green band- that they definitely deserve all the success they achieve. Check them out.