Saturday, August 17, 2013

Saturday August 17.

Didn't really hit me until I saw it in writing. It's not so much that it's my wedding anniversary; I've been through a few of those since our marriage ended. It's that this is the first time it's fallen on a Saturday since the day we got married. I remember both of us talking about it, looking through calendars of the coming years trying to figure out when our anniversary would again fall on the actual day we were married. We found out it would be 11 years til we would see that happen. It was kind of exciting, something to look forward to. Sure, it wasn't a traditionally relevant anniversary- 11 years. It wasn't one that people normally make a big deal about. But we were excited for it. That one was definitely going to special. We were going to do something amazing to celebrate it. Maybe revisit our honeymoon, go back to the same places, renew our vows. Maybe something different. We never really decided, but we knew it would something wonderful.

And here it is. Today.

My failed marriage haunts me less and less as time goes by. Sometimes it feels sort of surreal, like that was another life, another existence. But this still sort of snuck up on me. Saturday August 17. It's not really that big of a deal I guess. I'm not curled up in a ball, weeping quietly and listening to Evanescence. But it does weigh on me a little. It does make me question my life, what I've done, what I'm doing. And it definitely reaffirms my (relatively new) belief that there is no such thing as everlasting love, no such thing as soul mates. There's a loneliness, an emptiness inherent in life that can never truly be filled. It can be sated temporarily, occupied by any number of people or things. But it will never really go away. And even though I've come to accept that emptiness, some days- like today- it's a little more noticeable than others.

Right now is one of those times when I think I need something to fill the void. Or rather, to distract me from it. Work. Errands. Doctor's appointment. Something. But I don't have any of that. Today is one of those rare days when I have absolutely nothing to do. And it just happens to fall on a day that meant something once.

And so the quest begins, the Distraction Scavenger Hunt. Maybe it'll involve movies. Or the beach. Or daydrinking. Maybe it'll involve you. Whatever the day brings, it will be fun. Because I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I'm pretty happy with my life right now. It's not perfect. Not even exceptional really. But I have met some truly amazing people that I might not have if my life hadn't taken me down this path. I've got some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for. And just in case I don't see you today- I love you.

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