Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter comes out next week. And you need to go see it. If you’re anything like the (admittedly small) cross section of moviegoers that I’ve witnessed react to the trailer, you likely think this is the dumbest thing to come out of Hollywood since, well… ever apparently. I’ve heard people laugh at the trailer, remark on its supposed idiocy, scoff & deride it. All the while not being able to figure out why they seemed to hate it so.
We are a fickle bunch, to be sure. We bitch about overdone
franchises with pointless sequels (Transformers, Pirates), unnecessary reboots
(Spider-Man), unwanted remakes (Footloose), lack of original ideas (Battleship)
adaptations that were being clamored for by nobody (Dukes of Hazzard),
adaptations that didn’t need to be movies at all (Simpsons, X-Files)… and yet for the most part
we throw our hard-earned dollars at this dreck at the very same time that we
mock it.
From a pop culture perspective we love vampire movies.
Always have. We love vampires when they’re the framework for nothing more than
a teenage love story (Twilight). We’ve had vampires in pretty much every genre.
From the classic interpretations (Bram Stoker’s Dracula), to comedy (Love at
First Bite, Once Bitten), period piece (Interview with a Vampire), comic book sensibility
(Blade, Van Helsing), teen/coming of age (Lost Boys, Buffy), sci-fi
(Lifeforce), to every angle of modern-day horror (Fright Night, Near Dark,
Dracula 2000, From Dusk til Dawn)… and even the worst of those have never been met
with the sheer derision that seems to be brewing for Abraham Lincoln.
You guys love True Blood, for fuck’s sake! And that’s the
same fucking thing- vampires in the south! Why are you so resistant to the idea
of an actual historical figure interacting with them? Genre mashup is an
amazing storytelling device. This is satirical
revisionist history at its finest. Directed by Bekmambetov and produced by Burton!!! At the very
least it'll be visually amazing. Unfortunately the population at large seems
vehemently opposed to such genre mashup. Movies about vampires are ok, and
movies about history. But people can't seem to appreciate a little creative
crossover.
If this was just another vampire
period piece set against the Civil War and the rise of our nation, I have no
doubt that it would be much more palatable to the audience at-large. In fact,
people would probably enjoy it. But for some reason, making it about an actual
historical figure just destroys any credibility it could have from a pure
storytelling perspective. You people loved it- LOVED it- when the President of
the United States
(albeit fictional) fought aliens in Independence Day. Why not give an actual President a little creative
license?
My concern is that this will be Scott Pilgrim all over again. A fresh new movie based on
fringe literature that brings an innovative story to the screen like we haven’t
seen before- or at least in a long time. And what did you guys do with that
movie? You shunned it. Office Space bombed at the box office and went on to become
a cult classic. Big Trouble in Little China- one of the boldest examples of
genre mashup- found a place in American cult-cinema. All I’m asking is that you
keep an open mind.
We constantly bitch that we want something new, something
different. And when we get it we mock it incessantly. This movie could very well suck. It could be boring. It
could be tedious and plodding. It could be a complete piece of shit. But it definitely won’t suffer from lack of originality. And for that alone it should earn your
business.
Hit me up, we’ll go see it together, and I’ll even pay for
your fucking ticket.
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