Monday, November 16, 2009


What the eff is wrong with America? I can't believe that this pathetic movie was the top-grossing flick this past weekend. And not just top-grossing, but miles ahead of the competition, nearly tripling the next closest movie (which, by the way, was the equally miserable Christmas Carol; a movie that apparently features that same borderline-creepy "animation" first made infamous by Polar Express). My only consolation is that Zombieland is still in the top 20, as is Boondock Saints, deservingly getting a wider release.

I didn't see the movie, but I saw the previews. And for a movie like this that's really all you need. The effects, in all fairness, look amazing. But once you try to affix some semblance of a plot to special effects, the entire production becomes a shitfest.

How much longer must we suffer the "Disaster Porn" genre (not to be confused with "porn disaster," ie the Jimmy Kimmel sex tape, more recent Jenna Jameson fare, etc)? The Day After Tomorrow- from Roland Emmerich, the same man behind 2012- represents the height (or rather, depth) of the genre, which also includes Poseidon, Deep Impact, Armageddon, and both of those shitty volcano movies, which were so horrible they barely deserve to be recognized as 2 distinct entries. Quite a pedigree, no?

Although one could easily point to Twister as the harbinger of the Disaster Porn genre, with its at-the-time revolutionary scope of realistic effects, I blame Will Smith for Disaster Porn's rise to the forefront of our cinematic culture. Independence Day (not coincidentally, also a Roloand Emmerich vehicle) was not only the first movie to take the "disaster" element to it's hyperbolically titillating pinnacle, with the total decimation of a globally-known landmark (the White House), it also engineered what has evolved into the modern era of the summer blockbuster.

It's coming close in terms of sheer annoyance to the "spoof movie" genre, and in truth I couldn't think of a worse double feature to be torturously subjected to. The good news- it's sure to be dethroned this weekend. But do I take solace in the fact that it's being knocked off by glittery, emo, tween vampires? That's barely a consolation. Sort of like the doctor telling you "Good news, you don't have swine flu. You have SARS."

That these movies continue to be made is a travesty, the likes of which should place Emmerich on the 'most wanted' list with at least equivalent stature as Roman Polanski. That the moviegoing public continues to go see these movies in droves is another issue entirely. Then again, it IS the same country that re-elected Bush.

Ah, fuck it. At least Rob Schneider has stopped (or been stopped from?) making movies. I'm going to see some REAL cinema this weekend- the aforementioned Boondock Saints 2 or Zombieland (for the 2nd and 3rd times, respectively).

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