Saturday August 17.

Didn't really hit me until I saw it in writing. It's not so much that it's my wedding anniversary; I've been through a few of those since our marriage ended. It's that this is the first time it's fallen on a Saturday since the day we got married. I remember both of us talking about it, looking through calendars of the coming years trying to figure out when our anniversary would again fall on the actual day we were married. We found out it would be 11 years til we would see that happen. It was kind of exciting, something to look forward to. Sure, it wasn't a traditionally relevant anniversary- 11 years. It wasn't one that people normally make a big deal about. But we were excited for it. That one was definitely going to special. We were going to do something amazing to celebrate it. Maybe revisit our honeymoon, go back to the same places, renew our vows. Maybe something different. We never really decided, but we knew it would something wonderful.

And here it is. Today.

My failed marriage haunts me less and less as time goes by. Sometimes it feels sort of surreal, like that was another life, another existence. But this still sort of snuck up on me. Saturday August 17. It's not really that big of a deal I guess. I'm not curled up in a ball, weeping quietly and listening to Evanescence. But it does weigh on me a little. It does make me question my life, what I've done, what I'm doing. And it definitely reaffirms my (relatively new) belief that there is no such thing as everlasting love, no such thing as soul mates. There's a loneliness, an emptiness inherent in life that can never truly be filled. It can be sated temporarily, occupied by any number of people or things. But it will never really go away. And even though I've come to accept that emptiness, some days- like today- it's a little more noticeable than others.

Right now is one of those times when I think I need something to fill the void. Or rather, to distract me from it. Work. Errands. Doctor's appointment. Something. But I don't have any of that. Today is one of those rare days when I have absolutely nothing to do. And it just happens to fall on a day that meant something once.

And so the quest begins, the Distraction Scavenger Hunt. Maybe it'll involve movies. Or the beach. Or daydrinking. Maybe it'll involve you. Whatever the day brings, it will be fun. Because I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I'm pretty happy with my life right now. It's not perfect. Not even exceptional really. But I have met some truly amazing people that I might not have if my life hadn't taken me down this path. I've got some of the coolest friends anyone could ask for. And just in case I don't see you today- I love you.

The Hobbit

Finally saw The Hobbit: an Unexpectedly Long, Plodding, Expository, and at Times Boring Journey. It wasn't bad but definitely could've used some editing. The last hour or so was amazing.

I went to a 3D HFR showing- I had heard the HFR takes a little getting used to, and it does. But after maybe 10 minutes you adapt. There were a couple scenes where the movement of the characters seemed artificially sped up, almost Benny Hill style; not sure if that was an effect of the HFR or was just some other post-production issue. The biggest distraction from the HFR was that it looked almost too real. Like watching a play as opposed to a movie. But again, you get used to it.

As for the 3D, it didn't necessarily add anything to the movie but it was kind of cool to watch it that way. 3D has evolved quite a bit since its heyday in the 80's (and subsequent obsolescence). It is no longer a gimmick of the Comin' At Ya! variety, meant to startle or jolt the audience. It's become more of an immersive experience, letting you feel more engaged, more drawn into the story. Although I've never seen Avatar (and at times I feel like I'm the lone holdout) I credit it with this particular function of the effect.

As for the movie itself, I knew it would drag in parts because Peter Jackson felt the need to take a single book and break it into 3 movies. I think he's a great director, but the whole Middle Earth thing seems to be taking root in his ego- many of the scenes seemed to be included just for the sake of him impressing us with his Tolkien knowledge. Some of the scenes also seemed like they were there solely to impress himself.

I'll bet if the studio let him, he would've made the beginning dinner scene with the Dwarves a full hour, if only to showcase how funny and irreverent and crazy and courteous and skilled and zany... you get the point. I found it ironic that during this scene Bilbo himself said, to no one in particular, "A bit excessive." Mere moments later, Gandalf virtually came to Jackson's defense by telling Bilbo "All great stories deserve embellishment." Jackson had come under fire for his crew's apparent mistreatment of some of the animals on set during filming. While those charges have not been fully substantiated, here he *clearly* beat a dead horse. BOOM!

Overall, good movie. Definitely recommend it, although it does drag a bit. Oh, and one final comment to Mr Jackson directly: your Tolkien movies are built on impressive CGI, presenting to us all manner of creatures and worlds so visually stunning that you deservedly won many awards for them. You have firmly established yourself as a visual storyteller and a pioneer in presenting to us things that we could never even dream of- trolls, orcs, ents, giant eagles, necromancers, ghosts... So fuck you for not showing us the dragon, you arrogant prick.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

(doing my best to leave spoilers out)

It’s a good movie. It’s definitely enjoyable. Unfortunately for its box office prospects it’s not a popcorn movie- the requisite for which is pretty much just massive CGI with little to no plot. “Leave your critical thinking at the door” kind of action, like the MIB franchise (which I admit is what I consider “Hollywood dreck” from a creative standpoint; as a cinephile, however, I appreciate it for what it is: large-scale, fun, CGI spectacle). I really want this movie to do well, but as a mix of contemporary history and vampire action flick they would've been just as well off naming this "Abraham Lincoln: Box Office Poison."

I think the biggest complaint I hear about this movie is people saying “Hollywood’s gone too far” or something to that effect. That the idea of a President- an iconic historical figure, someone integral to the creation of our very country- can be reimagined in a supernatural environment is laughable. In a previous post, I railed against that limiting, dream-killing, unimaginative mentality, so in order to not beat a dead horse on that subject I’ll simply address it this time with: Fuck that, this is what Hollywood is all about! It’s easy to make up shit about tornadoes taking people to magical lands of elves and faeries, or interplanetary galactic rebellions. But when you splice fantasy and history together? When you take actual historical reality and add mythology to it? That is just as good storytelling if not better, because you have an existing framework that you have to work within. You can’t just make it up as you go along. And in this case there are actually two sets of constraints: our history itself, and the generally accepted “rules” of the vampire mythos. No mean feat to craft a story that conforms to both.

Some of the plot twists you could see coming a mile away¹. Which isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just subpar storytelling. And this movie has a story to tell. Saying that not all movies have a story to tell may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true. Some movies (the aforementioned “popcorn” movies, shoot-em-ups, comedies…) seek only to entertain. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I love me some Boondock Saints. But this movie is telling a story. And that in itself proves to be a formidable obstacle: Lincoln’s actual life would be enough to fill hours and hours of screentime; adding a creative fantasy flourish to an already dense narrative leads to inevitable plot holes and unanswered questions². But again, if you’re willing to take this movie at face value, if you’re willing to let Hollywood tell you a story that’s this preposterous, you have to expect that to come with the territory.

Sure, the movie comes equipped with some tired clichés: the “training” montage is pure Action Movie 101 cheesetasticness. You don’t have to love it, but damn, don’t hate; this is what you go to the movies for- for “what if” imaginary scenarios. You and I both know that martial arts are an anachronism here, as foreign to 19^th century America as sushi, but fuck does it look cool. This is Timur Bekmambetov at his best. And although it may not be his most visually arresting movie (Daywatch), there’s plenty of style here. The fight scenes are amazing to watch so just go with it. Say what you want, but the image of a 50-year old Lincoln swinging around an axe like a goddamn samurai is amazing. That’s what Hollywood is all about- creativity. And if you insist on being closed-mindedly resistant to the thought of Lincoln- who, in actual real life, was an adept axman and strong wrestler- being a flashy fighter, if you insist on not stretching the boundaries of what’s possible, I have one word for you: Quidditch.

The love story is uninspired, boring. There was nothing to really draw the audience in, to make it remarkable or even interesting. In fact, if it wasn’t a part of history it probably wouldn’t have been included. Kind of a waste of opportunity to deepen the story, or at least the characters. Which was probably my biggest complaint- WAY underdeveloped characters. For example, Speed: why did he like Lincoln so much?³ (PS- Yeah McPoyle!!!)

If this was just a Civil War era vampire drama, it’d be a middle of the road entertaining-but-not-incredible vampire movie. A hell of a lot better than Van Helsing, probably better than Underworld. Maybe somewhere near From Dusk til Dawn for sheer entertainment value. So leave your bullshit preconceptions at the door and enjoy it.

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SPOILERS AND SHIT!!!

1)      Henry being a vampire

2)      like, How did weeks at a time, and ultimately two entire decades, go by with absolutely no vampire activity in his life? Especially when he had established himself as scourge of the undead?

3)      Speed even became an advisor later in Lincoln’s life. Also, did Lincoln never meet anyone else again in his life? Two decades later, his circle of friends still consists of Speed (the first person he met in town), William (his childhood friend), Mary (his love), and Henry (the man who saved his life). Not very dynamic for such a charismatic man.

There were some unnecessary plot devices. They liked to quote each other, for one thing. I think there were 3 times in the movie that someone said “A wise man once told me…” and then repeated some pearl of wisdom that one of them had spoken earlier. And when Abe proposed to Mary, the camera stayed on his axe as they walked away, just in case you didn’t get that he was leaving that part of his life behind. Also, his “A-ha!” moment about silver weapons for his troops at war was more of a “Duh!” moment for the audience.

There were definitely some ridiculous elements- Mary standing on his hat was implausible at best; 2 men sharing an axe to fight in tandem was just goofy; the stagecoach rescue/sideswipe was absurd. But take the good with the bad. Some were downright unforgiveable though- that CGI horse stampede was horrible. And I say this as a man who went along with the “infected” from I Am Legend (just as a frame of reference). Sooooo bad. They ran with horses, and I kept thinking “OK, the horses will be gone soon and we’ll get back to some physical combat.” But no, they kept running with the horses. They ran across the horses’ fucking backs. Dude actually picked up and THREW a horse at Lincoln. Ugh. And lastly, the train/bridge scene… remember the scene in Speed? Where they all had to lean or some bullshit so the bus could jump the gap in the freeway? Remember how fucking retarded that was? This is about as bad.

But all that being said, I still think it’s a good movie. A fun movie, to be sure. A hell of an interesting concept. It just took itself a bit too seriously. It needed to tread a little more into Dark Comedy territory. Near the end, when 50-year old Lincoln realizes he has to come out of vampire hunting retirement and he begins to practice his weaponry, he drops the axe. That scene wasn’t presented as funny, more as a measure of his mortality, his faded skills. But it WAS funny. And at the end when Mary calls up from the carriage “We’re late for the theater.” That’s darkly comedic shit right there. If it was presented as such, and if there were more of it throughout the movie, it’d be a much better show.

An open letter the moviegoing public of America

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter comes out next week. And you need to go see it. If you’re anything like the (admittedly small) cross section of moviegoers that I’ve witnessed react to the trailer, you likely think this is the dumbest thing to come out of Hollywood since, well… ever apparently. I’ve heard people laugh at the trailer, remark on its supposed idiocy, scoff & deride it. All the while not being able to figure out why they seemed to hate it so.

We are a fickle bunch, to be sure. We bitch about overdone franchises with pointless sequels (Transformers, Pirates), unnecessary reboots (Spider-Man), unwanted remakes (Footloose), lack of original ideas (Battleship) adaptations that were being clamored for by nobody (Dukes of Hazzard), adaptations that didn’t need to be movies at all (Simpsons, X-Files)… and yet for the most part we throw our hard-earned dollars at this dreck at the very same time that we mock it.

From a pop culture perspective we love vampire movies. Always have. We love vampires when they’re the framework for nothing more than a teenage love story (Twilight). We’ve had vampires in pretty much every genre. From the classic interpretations (Bram Stoker’s Dracula), to comedy (Love at First Bite, Once Bitten), period piece (Interview with a Vampire), comic book sensibility (Blade, Van Helsing), teen/coming of age (Lost Boys, Buffy), sci-fi (Lifeforce), to every angle of modern-day horror (Fright Night, Near Dark, Dracula 2000, From Dusk til Dawn)… and even the worst of those have never been met with the sheer derision that seems to be brewing for Abraham Lincoln.

You guys love True Blood, for fuck’s sake! And that’s the same fucking thing- vampires in the south! Why are you so resistant to the idea of an actual historical figure interacting with them? Genre mashup is an amazing storytelling device. This is satirical revisionist history at its finest. Directed by Bekmambetov and produced by Burton!!! At the very least it'll be visually amazing. Unfortunately the population at large seems vehemently opposed to such genre mashup. Movies about vampires are ok, and movies about history. But people can't seem to appreciate a little creative crossover.

If this was just another vampire period piece set against the Civil War and the rise of our nation, I have no doubt that it would be much more palatable to the audience at-large. In fact, people would probably enjoy it. But for some reason, making it about an actual historical figure just destroys any credibility it could have from a pure storytelling perspective. You people loved it- LOVED it- when the President of the United States (albeit fictional) fought aliens in Independence Day. Why not give an actual President a little creative license?

My concern is that this will be Scott Pilgrim all over again. A fresh new movie based on fringe literature that brings an innovative story to the screen like we haven’t seen before- or at least in a long time. And what did you guys do with that movie? You shunned it. Office Space bombed at the box office and went on to become a cult classic. Big Trouble in Little China- one of the boldest examples of genre mashup- found a place in American cult-cinema. All I’m asking is that you keep an open mind.

We constantly bitch that we want something new, something different. And when we get it we mock it incessantly. This movie could very well suck. It could be boring. It could be tedious and plodding. It could be a complete piece of shit. But it definitely won’t suffer from lack of originality. And for that alone it should earn your business.

Hit me up, we’ll go see it together, and I’ll even pay for your fucking ticket.

Moonrise Kingdom

Never thought I'd say this, but Moonrise Kingdom was too "Wes Anderson-y". All the familiar affectations of his films are there: kids acting like adults, quirky camera work, quirkier music, adults with extremely dysfunctional relationships, characters with odd affectations... but this time it's just too contrived, too forced. It's like Wes Anderson trying to make a Wes Anderson movie. And for his fans who thought he went too off-course with Life Aquatic (what with the gunplay and all), this one has its own jump-the-Wes-Anderson-shark moments. Particularly in the finale when our three main characters are dangling precipitously from the church tower. And then all of a sudden it's over and everyone's safe. One of the endearing traits of his characters is that everyone is so matter-of-fact about their respective flaws/quirks/affectations. But this time it never felt quite right. Everything is a metaphor. The woman who works for Social Services is addressed as Social Services. It also marks the second time that he's killed the dog. As  much as I hate to say it, I'd say pass on this one.

Prometheus

I’m sure I missed a lot, and noticed some things that I will forget to bring up. I’m not a theologian, I’m not a critic. I’m just a guy with a love of movies and disdain for doing my actual job while I’m at work. And I love to write.

Prometheus is a story about faith, about the meaning of life, about where we came from. A story about curiosity and our insatiable need to ask “why?” When we do get an answer, we often aren’t satisfied… we want more. The movie itself is testament to that. Because more than just a story, it’s a philosophical jumping off point. Its purpose seems to be to raise as many questions as it answers. And to anyone fluent in pop culture, this much should have been evident as soon as the screenwriting credits were displayed: Damon Lindeloff. Anyone who knows much at all about Lost (and based on its popularity, that’s probably a pretty good proportion of moviegoers) should realize immediately that our journey won’t be straightforward, nor will it tie up all of our loose ends in a pretty bow. It will challenge you, challenge your beliefs.

As with previous installations in the Alien franchise proper, there are characters with several opposing (and secret) agendas: Shaw out to prove our creators are real; Vickers out to prove the opposite, and perhaps something more; David, seemingly interested in preserving (or at least studying) a new species; Weyland, looking to cheat death.

The angle of David intentionally infecting Holloway isn’t ever directly addressed, and in retrospect might not make a ton of sense. It wouldn’t result in Weyland reaching his goal- which is David’s primary purpose. Although it does provide yet another backdrop to bring the issue of faith into clearer focus- when the two debate the origin of life, Holloway’s (perhaps unsatisfactory) answer as to why humans created artificial life was a rather blasé “Because we could.”

The presence of the Aliens themselves, and the associated Easter eggs, is only tangentially important. This movie is definitely related, but it’s more concerned with the reality of the universe as a whole; the Aliens are here more as a treat, a nod to fans of the franchise, as opposed to the centerpiece. Aliens themselves aren’t the focus, just a piece of the mythology that Ridley Scott has built.

The religious undertones are unmistakable and omnipresent, right down to the movie taking place during Christmas. From Western eyes at least, what better parallel than the birth of Christ for humanity finding its own true birthplace?

We also have a scientist, Shaw, who wears a cross. In flashbacks to her childhood she had a conversation with her own scientist father about death and what it means. The father, in explaining Heaven and its various counterparts in major religions, says he knows it’s real because he chooses to believe, a theme recurrent throughout the movie. Not only is it a theme, it’s also a request implicit in the movie itself- if you choose to believe in the answers this movie gives you, you will no doubt be satisfied.

Some of the elements are heavy-handed. For example, Vickers. Her icy, impersonal demeanor is reflected almost too on-the-nose in her choice of living quarters, especially when one of the crew members points out as much- that she lives in a self-sustained escape pod, away from the rest of the crew. It’s clear she has no belief in otherworldy life, especially beings which may have themselves created us. Yet she accepts that some people do believe- when asked by Shaw why they even bothered to invite them along if expedition rules prevent the scientists from attempting contact, Vickers replies “we wanted a true believer.”

Ultimately, in addition to being a solid movie, Prometheus can be seen as a metaphor for the audience as believers or cynics- do these answers satisfy you? Are you Vickers, or are you Shaw? It could be argued that neither one met a fitting end: Vickers, literally crushed beneath the truth she acrimoniously resisted; and Shaw, taking yet another step in her Sisyphusian journey to find answers that she undoubtedly won’t want to hear.

The Engineers themselves- our very creators- aren't too different from us. The place they've led us to is essentially an abandoned military outpost for their biological weaponry.

Beyond that, Ridley Scott has proven that he’s still got it when it comes to Sci Fi. He’s old-school, as evidenced by the fact that his future has a society that is incredibly advanced but still uses combustion engines and wheeled vehicles- details not lost on the sci fi literati. He ultimately never answers the question of why the Engineers created us (or the far more interesting why they subsequently sought to destroy us) because sometimes not knowing the answer to a question is much more liberating.

Sure, you could nitpick some of it. I’m not above that myself (http://a-blog-named-sue.blogspot.com/2007/06/fuck-you-michael-bay.html), but if a movie doesn’t take liberties with the boundaries of what they expect you to accept, then I’m willing to suspend some disbelief. Could Shaw have done everything she did after abdominal surgery? Doubtful. But I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the surgical machine contained advanced healing agents, or at the very least incredibly strong painkillers. And it was clear early on that Weyland was still alive and that Vickers was most certainly related to him. But these elements didn’t detract from the story, they didn’t derail the message that the movie was trying to deliver.

I don’t recall the exact dialogue (because I had all this other minutiae swimming around in my head), but near the end when Shaw asks David what he’ll do once Weyland is no longer around to program him… I recall David saying something to the effect of “Well then I’ll be free.” And I may be reading into it, but he seemed to have a bit of trepidation at the thought.

To those of you who expressed displeasure/contempt/frustration with Prometheus: What were you expecting? You got everything you could’ve possibly wanted- the origin of the Aliens, the origin of our very species. The only reason I can think of for all the hate- or perhaps more accurately, disappointment- is that it wasn’t the answer you hoped for.

Basically, the movie itself can be summed up, in my esteem, by the clip of old cinema David was watching early on, when a character in another movie said “the trick is not minding that it hurts.” You have to be able to stand the hurt of not finding what you were looking for.

Running a 5K

Running is pure evil. It’s one of the things I hate most in the world. Let’s be honest- it’s probably at the top of the list. But I love obstacle courses. I used to watch Fear Factor wishing I could just try all the physical stunts (not the eating disgusting things though), convinced I could do most, if not all of them.

Unfortunately for my health, my love of obstacle course challenges far outweighs my hatred for running and all things cardio-related. Because if you're going to run, do it like a fucking man and have mud pits, water slides, and fire involved. But I have zero cardio. Zero. What I have instead is stubbornness. Stubbornness enough to get me through just about any physical challenge I’ve undertaken, including hiking Mt Whitney, and the Warrior Dash, which I’ve written about on here before.

With the Warrior Dash- another 5K obstacle course- I signed up for and ran it by myself, just for the fun of it. I don’t run. And I sure as hell don’t train to run. So when I turned in a 34 minute time, I was actually a little proud considering that was about average for my age group. However, my pride dictates that if I do another 5K, I had better not do worse, time-wise, than the last one.

So I decided to train. In my own half assed way. 6 Days before the race, I began running around my block twice a day with my dog. Once around is half a mile, and on my first outing I could barely make it half way before I thought my lungs would explode.

And my dog wasn’t helping. He’s still a puppy, which means he’s an asshole. He loves to grab the leash and pull it in any direction other than the one I’m running in. He even likes to loop behind me while we’re running, occasionally clipping my heels and sending me tumbling across the pavement. Jerk.

Anyway, in addition to the twice a day run, I also jump rope. Barely, though. Here’s my asinine regimen that somehow makes sense to me- 6:30AM, run around the block. After that, feed the dog and jump rope while he eats (which is about a minute and a half). Repeat at 6PM. Do this for 6 days. Oh, and nowhere in this routine do I stretch at all. Suck on that, Tony Little. (Is that a decent "fitness" reference? Maybe I should've used Jack LaLanne)

I don’t know how that seemed like a legitimate course of action to me, but it did. By the 3^rd day I was able to run the entire lap around the block without wishing for the sweet release of death. A few more days until I’m actually put to the test, so we’ll see how it all turns out. But one thing is still an eternal truth in my life: Fuck running.

Movie review: Safe

The title is a witty double entendre, referring not only to the actual safe that everyone is trying to break into, but also the act of keeping a young girl safe that Statham readily, heroically accepts. However, I think they inadvertently leaned too heavily towards yet another definition of the word: bland, boring, pedestrian.

My biggest complaint with Safe is that it violated Action Movie Unwritten Rule #1: Don’t try to be more than you are. In this case, you’re a showcase for Jason Statham beating people up. That’s it. If you’re a shoot ‘em up (Clive Owen’s version of which sucked ass, btw. Crank was everything that movie wanted to be, but that’s another discussion) don’t try to pretend you’re something bigger with some convoluted, unnecessary, meandering plot.

Sure, there are exceptions- Haywire was much more an espionage film than an action movie, and it starred Gina Carano. But it worked. That usually doesn’t happen. Haywire actually had a decent story as well as some good fight scenes. Not so much with another Statham movie: Killer Elite. Marketed as an action movie, it most definitely was not and disappointed in that regard. A mistake repeated with The Mechanic. The point being keep it simple, like Tango and Cash or the aforementioned Crank. Or if you don’t really have a plot, just skip it altogether. Be like Cobra.

On top of the contrived plot, Safe also tried to be stylish and cool with clever edits and slick storyline shifts. Cutting from one scene… to a scene with a similar line or action or event that would bridge the two. Kind of like a film school dropout’s version of Tarantino. Not that such editing is necessarily bad, but when taken in conjunction with all the other things this movie did wrong it’s just another detriment.

On to the story- a washed up MMA fighter/garbage man who won’t play dirty and is unjustly punished for it. Such a fresh angle. I’ll bet if Mel Gibson wasn’t in the shitter he would’ve starred in this movie. Especially considering that the protagonist’s wife (who we never even see, let alone learn anything about. How are we supposed to empathize? Oh wait, they did give us one tantalizing clue about her- apparently she was ugly) is murdered to teach him a lesson. Have you ever noticed how many of Mel’s movies have his wife or girlfriend get killed? And usually by his enemies? Look it up. It’s actually more than a little disturbing, moreso now that we know what a volatile misogynist he is.

So back to the story. In the history of MMA, nobody’s ever been put into a coma with one punch! But I guess that’s how tough our anti-hero is. So be it, I’ll take that ride with you. But from there it’s downhill. The whole premise is just too ridiculous… as the Chinese mob strolls around Chinatown asking the girl questions, she starts reciting dollar amounts that various businesses have been earning- to the penny! Can you believe it? To the PENNY!!! I can’t think of any other way for them to track these figures than a broad-daylight kidnapping of China’s pre-teen Good Will Hunting and forcing her to work for your gang under threat of her mother’s death if she doesn’t cooperate. Except maybe a pen and paper. Or a calculator. Like a really nice one from TI that does fractions and shit.

Back to our hero. After the Russian mob murders his wife, they opt to let him live under the burden of knowing that anyone he befriends will also be killed. Even an obnoxious transient with no redeeming qualities who was probably going to steal his shoes (No! Not him!!! You bastards!). Which raises another point- if the Russian mob has the time and resources to literally follow him everywhere, all the time (including on the subway and in a homeless shelter that seemed more like a federal penitentiary. What the hell kind of shelter has armed guards, “lights out” curfew, and the aura of a prison camp?), maybe they’d be better off putting those resources into their turf war with the Triads. Just a suggestion.

But that murder of the homeless guy got me thinking: the ninja-like presence and brutality of the Russians almost seems like a superpower. Imagine, if someone annoys you- just befriend them and by morning they’re dead. That would be fucking awesome! People who talk on their cellphones while they’re at the cashier? Gone. People who double park? See ya. Bicyclists? Adios (I don’t mean ALL bicyclists. Just the obnoxious spandex-wearing ones who think the rules of traffic don’t apply to them but will not hesitate to give you shit if you encroach on their precious bike lane by an inch with your car).

So our hero is drifting along aimlessly through life, alone, when he sees the young math prodigy being chased by the same mobsters that murdered his wife. He sees here, finally, a purpose. Something to live for. Something to fight for. This is one of the few parts of the movie that I find believable. So he jumps headlong into the fray, kicks the Russians’ asses, and steps up as the girl’s protector. Oh, and by the way- of course he used to be a cop. (the moment where the director is hoping the entire audience goes “Whaaaa…?” in unison).

There’s just too much that doesn’t make sense- the Russians’ omnipresence, the Triad’s need for the girl in the first place, the cops (former associates) who beat him up for old time’s sake then just decide to stop and let him go, the cops tracking the Russians’ cellphones but not keeping tabs on their credit cards, the hotel with armed security… which, by the way, how logistically impossible would it be to pull off a hostile takeover of an ENTIRE FUCKING HOTEL??? Not to mention the fact that in modern-day New York City that would no doubt be considered an act of terrorism and even if you got away, the already precarious alliance/truce between your mob and the cops would be replaced by a hail of gunfire the likes of which would give Sam Peckinpah a hard on. By the time we find out that one of the safes holds a measly $30 million I’m already looking at my watch trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day once I get out of here. Really? $30 million? If your mob doesn’t just have that kind of cash lying around in bags with dollar signs printed on them, you might as well pack it in and go back to Pangea or wherever the hell you’re from. Mob life isn’t for you.

The final “fuck you” to the audience was the abbreviated last showdown between Statham and his former badass/special agent/whatever the hell they were compatriot. Again, the director goes for clever here, ending the fight literally before it even begins by having the girl shoot the bad guy. That kind of “this dude is so badass you don’t even get to see it” shortcut works in some situations, like the Joker overpowering the cops in The Dark Knight, or Cromartie wiping out an entire FBI team in The Sarah Connor Chronicles (yes, I know I’m probably the only one who watched that show; if you had watched it too maybe it wouldn’t have gotten cancelled. Thanks for nothing, jerks), or even here in this very movie- when at the beginning they cut short Statham's MMA fight just before he landed his coma-inducing punch. But here it’s just another cheap gimmick that doesn’t pay off. Reminiscent also of the famous Raiders of the Lost Ark scene, where a swordsman displays his flashy skills only to have Indy shoot him. But again, there it works. Mostly because that isn't the fucking climax.

Much as I like the guy, Statham’s filmography has been very hit or miss. And this one unfortunately falls into the “miss” column.

Movie Review: Cabin in the Woods (there be spoilers ahead)

A surprisingly fresh twist on the slasher genre. Not only did Cabin successfully hit on (and in doing so, unironically parody) all the slasher movie cliches, it did so in a way that was fun, entertaining, and still scary. A feat accomplished maybe once before with Scream. It wasn't heavy-handed and formulaic, collapsing under its own pretense like I Know What You Did Last Summer, or the Final Destination franchise.

Sure, you can question the logistical impossibility of much of what transpires in this flick,(would pheromone mist work? and that quickly?), but for a movie like this you have to be willing to suspend disbelief to a greater degree than you normally might. You have to realize, this movie is asking you to go along for a ride in a universe where "the old gods" exist and are to be feared. So save all your "Shuh... right" for Shyamalan's next outing.

Besides, this movie has a bigger agenda. Not only is it a thoughtful and original commentary on the bureaucracy of our modern age- juxtaposing the red-tape cubicle life to which we've become accustomed against old-world religious cults- it also takes to task our societal bloodlust; or at least our desensitization to the horrible things that happen in our actual world, as evidenced by the nameless company's celebration (premature though it was) while the last remaining survivor of their cruelly orchestrated ordeal was getting the shit kicked out of her on a dozen monitors in the background. Not to mention the betting pool itself, which was also cleverly mirrored in the movie's finale when we realize that just as the kids in the cabin chose their own harbingers of doom, the corporate drones chose those kids to ride down in the same elevator and kill them.

Cabin is a self-conscious movie, aware of its own genre but not to the point of satire. It knows where its boundaries lie and it pushes right up to the edge of those boundaries without becoming a joke. More of a knowing nod, a peek behind the curtain. And in that vein it includes references to other classic horror movies- Evil Dead, Hellraiser, The Ring- as well as genuine campy humor- the zombie arm, the contrast between horror movie archetype and real world issues (as in the speaker phone scene, where Mordecai actually seems to break "character").

It has all the sensibility and atmosphere of an 80's slasher film without falling victim to the cheesy cliches that so routinely plague the genre. All the usual elements- stereotypical characters, poor decision making- are satisfyingly explained in real life terms. Especially fun was the guilty pleasure of seeing all the other creatures that earlier were only hinted at on the board- sexy witches? Angry molesting tree? Kevin???

Another nice touch- there is no happy ending. Sure the protagonists survive (including, in an interesting twist against type, the resourceful stoner). But it's short lived, as not only do they ultimately die in the end, they also self-righteously choose to wipe out every living person in existence. An incredibly selfish choice that caps off the film nicely.

I really like that they downplayed the whole "reality TV" angle. It was pretty much only mentioned in passing. The premise itself is almost like a modern, less dystopian version of Hunger Games: kids chosen at random to fight to the death in a controlled and manipulated environment, all for the entertainment and survival of the rest of the population. The placement of this game in our familiar modern world makes Cabin all the better. We see technology failing, endless bureaucracy, jaded corporate drones... genre mash-up that is both intelligent and hilarious.

Highly recommend. Go see it.

Movie review: Goon

Goon is a fun movie. A little disappointing, but fun. A lot of it was poorly written, especially some of the dialogue, and the acting was weak in parts- not that I expect an Oscar-worthy turn from Seann William Scott, but still... I know he's capable of better. Problems aside, it's still a good watch.

I might be biased because of my love of both hockey &its enforcers (I had to actually stop myself from cheering probably 3 or 4 times in the movie when a clutch goal was scored) but I think most people will enjoy it. The treatment of the culture of hockey, the roles different players have, is pretty well crafted. They got a lot of the quirky things right- the oddball announcer, the overenthusiastic young player, the burnt-out, jaded captain, the dynamics of the team chemistry, even the national anthem scene, though only seconds long, captures a world of minute detail that exists in the world of hockey.

Hockey fans will have a lot to identify with. And normal people will have a good story to watch unfold. Because it's a hockey movie, but it's also a movie about finding your purpose, learning what you're made of; it's a movie about what matters in life; about being part of something bigger than yourself; about camaraderie; about loyalty; about brotherhood & friendship. And about punching people in the face.

Lockout (aka Seriously?!?)

You know the old adage "Put a million monkeys at a million typewriters for a million years, and one of them will eventually pound out Hamlet?" Well suppose you only have one monkey and 3 months. You might end up with Battlefield Earth. And if you only have a week, you going to get a new Rob Schneider movie. But before it even starts typing, that monkey is likely to rip the paper out of the typewriter, wipe his ass with it, and throw it on the ground. I present to you Lockout.

Lockout is a sci-fi action thriller co-written by Luc Besson. Unfortunately that's where the upside ends. I refuse to see this movie on the grounds that, judging by the trailer, it is simply an exercise in stitching together every woefully overused cliche in the history of Hollywood. Riot in a maximum security space station prison while the President's daughter is there on a goodwill mission, and her only hope for survival is a burned out former CIA agent who was framed for a crime he didn't commit.

There's a line of dialogue in the trailer when they are discussing who they can recruit for the suicide rescue mission, and when the protagonist is mentioned someone actually says "He's the best there is, but he's a loose cannon." They actually say that. That's real dialogue from this sad excuse for a movie. Someone (hopefully not Luc Besson) sat at a table, typed out those lines while writing shitting out this script, and thought "Yeah, I like the sound of that." And then other people read it, and didn't object. And THEN some "actors" read the lines out loud while cameras were rolling and nobody stopped them. Holy shit I can't believe that series of events actually happened in the real world. I can only guess that there was some sort of radon gas leak in the studio when all this was happening and nobody was really alert enough to yell "Cut! Guys... what the fuck are we doing?"

"Whoa... you're right. That line is really bad."

"No, not that. Well, I mean yeah, that's fucking horrible and we should all have our WGA cards revoked, but I'm talking about this whole thing. Has anybody read this through?"

"...not really. I just sort of flipped through it absentmindedly while I was huffing glue."

"Yeah, I used the first few pages to make cole slaw for dinner last night.":

"You made cole slaw out of paper??"

"Yeah."

"And you ate it?"

"Of course. Guys, I'm stupid enough to agree to make a movie like Lockout, what makes you think I'm not too stupid to eat paper?"

"Good point. Hey, where's the glue?"

The Grey

I had been looking forward to The Grey ever since I first saw the trailer. Liam Neeson has become a favorite badass of mine. Which, by the way, when did that happen? Sure, he's skirted tough-guy status before: Ra's al Ghul, Qui-Gon Jinn (one of the few enjoyable aspects of a certain trilogy that I refer to as Lucas' Shame), even as far back as Darkman- but even those characters were just moderately formidable, not outright ass kickers. Add to that roll call all the dramatic turns he's taken- Schindler, Kinsey- and it sort of evens him out. But somewhere around Taken he became a legitimate, hardcore, Bourne-esque man not to be fucked with. And not just a badass, but a resourceful one. A guy who can solve any problem, overcome any obstacle, and do it in a way that makes it seem like he's done it all before. And the crazy thing is that it was such a smooth transition. Never a moment of doubt that he could kill a man with his bare hands 7 different ways. To the point where I want him to go up against The Expendables. And win. I honestly don't have a problem with his tough guy status. In fact, I love it. It just seems so... unexpected in retrospect.

Two of the most "Oh no he didn't!" moments in the movie, to me, were at the initial wreck site. First, he talked a fatally wounded companion through his own death. That takes fucking cojones like I couldn't even imagine. Shortly after, he tells Diaz "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in about 5 seconds." Start. Start beating the shit out of you. The inclusion of that one little word makes a world of difference. Most threats of that ilk are just a proclamation that someone will beat the shit out of someone else. But for him to say he's going to start beating the shit out of Diaz? That implies that it is going to be a long, and extremely painful beating.

Anyway, I had wanted to see The Grey on opening weekend, but was unable to go. Movie pal David Novin did go see it though, and immediately after he sent me a text letting me know. "How was it?" I texted back. A noticeably long pause preceded his stark reply: "I feel cold and empty inside."  Now I was even more excited. Not to mention this was sure to be a much needed action movie break from the CGI porn overload that's been so prevalent lately.

Speaking of CGI, that was by far the most terrifying plane crash I have ever seen in movies or TV. I was legitimately afraid sitting in my plush, reclining seat in a theater that suddenly felt about 10 degrees colder than when I first walked in. Dammit, Novin was right. Everything about the movie chilled me to the core, physically and emotionally. It was so barren, so isolating, so... empty. Survival in its most raw form. Add to the already tense and hopeless scenario the flashbacks that haunted our protagonist, and it was an effort not to give up myself. But as grim as it was, I had one humorous thought pop into my head- so many of the characters had flashbacks/hallucinations/visions of previous relationships: Liam's wife, one guy's sister, another's daughter. I thought it would be hilarious if Diaz, in his dying moments, had a vision of the admittedly repulsive hooker he had recently been with.

I had minor complaints with the reality of some aspects of the movie- like humans outrunning wolves... in snow; the presumption that they had enough extra gear to make an improvised rope, as well as the wolves being able to cross the same chasm unassisted and just as quickly; the abrupt disappearance of the wolves- formerly in hot pursuit- after Hendrick fell into the river. But again, these are minor points overall. Nothing so glaring as to undermine the story itself. My biggest gripe after seeing it is that they gave away the best scene (and one of the best scenes in cinema in recent memory) in the trailer. Still... soooooooo effing cool seeing him improvise some duel-to-the-death weapons and leap headlong into the face of his own certain demise, swinging for the fences as he did. (one other... complaint? in that last scene, there was one shot that showed the scar on his cheek being on the wrong side of his face. Clearly a mirror image of footage they used for some unknown reason. Seems like an amateur mistake, and it honestly distracted me for a moment)

The post-credits scene was both chilling and rewarding, in a way that only a badass could deliver. He fought that wolf to the death. And he took the wolf with him. Great movie, loved every moment of it. In my own little "I want to be a director" mind, I kind of wish they had used a second bonus scene showing a rescue team at the crash site. Just to really crush your spirits a little bit more. Make that cold, empty feeling linger a bit longer with the suggestion that had they not taken off into the woods they might have lived.

Hangover 2: Same shit, different year (and I mean SAME shit)

The Hangover still stands in my mind as one of the greatest comedies ever made. It is just so fucking good. The day it became available on On Demand cable I watched it 3 times, and at least once a day (if not more) every day after for the next few weeks. That movie is just full of comedic goodness, it never gets old.

I anxiously awaited the sequel with great anticipation, but also a bit of trepidation- how the Hell could you possibly follow a movie that good? A tough feat indeed that only few accomplish successfully; trying to recapture the magic of the original, balancing the tightrope of paying homage and still being fresh (Boondock Saints 2, for example).

The opening scene was nearly identical, shot for shot, right down to using a Danzig song. To me, that was a great move. There's no way you can come up with a better opening than the first one so why not use that same opening? It didn't come off as cheap or hacky, either, just the perfect tribute to a fantastic comedy. Sort of tipping it's hat to it's own roots.

But it was kind of downhill from there. There's a fine line between giving a nod to your predecessor and just lazily copying it. Let's check the scorecard:

• Stu's face fucked up? check
• Gotta find someone they lost? check
• Alan accidentally roofied them? check
• Ken Jeong's weiner? check
• Stu falls for a stripper? check
• Somehow in possession of a tiny mammal? check
• Ken Jeong leaps out of a small space and attacks them? check
• Stu sings a song about them as they retrace their steps? check
• Tyson? check
• Tyson singing? double check
• ending with "Hey guys, I found some pictures from last night" check

I realize the pictures at the end of the first one was one of the highlights, but if you're going to carbon-copy replicate the opening scene, you can't do it again at the end. Be creative for fuck's sake. Find a new way to do it. Just waaaaaaaaaaaay too copy-cat of the whole fucking movie.

Not horrible, but not worth $8. Don't get me wrong- it had some great moments, like Alan's flashback, but not enough of those moments to carry the movie. Wait for cable.

Priest. Not even a movie can make them cool

I actually had hope for this movie. It looked like it could be a really cool warrior-on-a-mission-to-save-the-people movie, set in an anachronistic, dystopian future. You expect a lot of "cheesy and ridiculous" in an action/horror movie like this, but Priest didn't have very much "cool" to balance it out. It's definitely one of those style-over-substance movies. Unfortunately, the style they ended up with- retro 80's soundstage- is about 25 years out of date.

From the looks of it, they tried to make a future reminiscent of Road Warrior meets Blade Runner meets Alien, but it ended up more like Metalstorm meets Spacehunter meets... I don't know, some shitty 80's monster movie. CHUD, maybe? If you've seen any of those movies, congratulations- you're a true child of the 80's and movie geek.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like it was a horrible movie. It was just kind of boring, which in a way is worse. A bad movie you can mock, make fun of, ridicule. A boring movie is just... kind of there. You don't care about any of the characters, or this world's humanity as a whole. There's no reason to really give a shit at all what happens to any of these people.

And that's really all you can say about this movie. It's just... there. Sort of like K-Mart, or Applebee's. Nothing to get excited about but not worth hating.

The Expendables

aka "Thank You, Stallone, For Not Making Me Feel Like I Wasted $8"

Short version- As a friend of mine so perfectly summed it up- "Dialog was clunky as hell at times and it looked like it was going to really suck half way through, but the last part of the movie made up for the lagging parts."

That is exactly how I felt about the movie. For maybe 30 minutes or so, it seemed like it was going to be the most atrocious, unwatchable pile of filth since GI Joe.

Spoilers ahead.

The beginning was OK, as we are dropped in on the Expendables in action. A very fun and frenetic scene, delivering not only on the promise that the previews made to us, but also on fleshing out the characters.

But once they returned home to their variously monotonous lives, I was afraid that the whole thing was falling apart. The dialogue was pretty fucking bad. I realize what this movie is supposed to be, an homage to action flicks starring the best of the best (or most of them anyway- would've loved to see JCVD in there). And as such, you can't in all good conscience hold it up to the same standards that you might a regular movie. But at times it seemed like they had forgotten the gag; that they were suddenly trying to take themselves seriously.

Randy Couture was kind of a waste. He is most definitely a horrible actor, reading his lines as thought he were trying to one-up (or one-down?) Michael Madsen's turn in Sin City. Just fucking awful. But even beyond that, he was pretty underused in the flick. The part about his ear, and his oversensitivity to its condition, was like an in-joke that nobody was in on. Again, I realize the irony of criticizing acting abilities in a movie of this scope. But in all honesty, the rest of the cast held their own. Say what you will about Stallone, at least he can act. True, it may not be "acting" so much as being himself, but Couture's time on camera was so wooden and forced it just felt painful to watch.

Statham especially is actually a pretty decent actor (though much of the material given to him here was clunky as hell). The guy knows how to play a toughguy-with-a-heart role. Even Lundgren had a pretty convincing performance as the washed up, unstable turncoat.

Mickey Rourke was criminally under-utilized in the movie. He's not necessarily a marquee action star, but he's tough enough to deserve some action scenes. He was barely around enough to deliver half-hearted monologues about love and honor. I suppose that could be attributed to the real-life deterioration of his mental faculties. How do I know, you may ask, that his mind is slipping? Well other than the evidence in any recent interview he's given, the man drooled during many of his meandering soliloquies. Drooled.

To me, Predator is the ultimate ensemble action movie. It is the bar that all films like this strive to reach. And though there is no shame in not reaching that peak, because few movies do, The Expendables actually surpassed Predator in one memorable category. Anyone here worth their testosterone knows that the baddest gun ever to grace the screen was Jesse Ventura's "Ol' Painless." And that gun's sheer ferocity has never come close to being matched. Until Terry Crews unleashed the fury of his as-yet-unnamed "girlfriend." Holy schnikes!!!

Minutiae:
--The inclusion of Willis and Arnold was a nice touch. Brief, but just having them appear was a cool nod to 2 of the biggest in the genre.
--They could've trimmed some of the unnecessary and unimportant stuff, like Statham's girlfriend, or the tattoo shop (is it too over-critical of me to question why Stallone's unfinished tattoo needed literally 9 seconds of inkwork for Rourke to finish? Was the only reason for the inclusion of that scene to show off Stallone's tattoos?)
--The scene where Stallone was running after the airplane... let's just say that watching him run was a definite, concrete reminder that the man is over 60 years old. I can see why they edited it the way they did, to only show brief glimpses of him running. He ran as though he actually had shit in his pants.
--Seeing Big Nog and Little Nog as 2 of the henchmen was cool. Probably only going to be appreciated by hardcore MMA fans.
--Austin was a good villain. Fortunately they didn't give him much dialogue and let him play to his strength.

Maybe the only other thing that would've made this better would have been to not only have JCVD in it, but have him play Statham's romantic rival. No way his ego would've allowed that though.

Overall, I'd give it a solid B-, 2.5 out of 4 stars, a modest thumbs-up. Don't rush to catch it in the theater, but it's worth seeing.

Fun with spam emails

Haven't been hearing back from any of these folks lately. Can't figure out why.

From: m.leroy@webmail.co.za
Subject: RE: Compensation

Hello friend,

I'm happy to inform you about our success in getting the funds transferred under the cooperation and supervision of a new partner from South Africa. Presently, we are in Africa to supervise and monitor investing in aforementioned projects knowing fully well that the FIFA World Cup is around the corner.

Anyways, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist my firm in the deployment of the funds into your account, regardless our hassles to succeed, been that you have once participated in the project and played a major, I cannot just leave you behind now that I fortune has smiled on me. To this regards, I personally decided to compensate you for your interest, efforts and co-operation in the past.

I would advice you contact my associate, Charles Barbour who is also in Africa to this mail. Your are to request to be sent you the total of ($3,000.000 USD) Three Million United States Dollars Only since obviously, you don’t transact in pounds sterling in your country. My Boss is a man of his words hence my emailing you to keep the pact we made with you in the past. I sincerely do appreciate all your efforts in the past and feel free and get in touch with my associate and direct him where to send your benefits to you. Do not forget to let us know immediately you receive it so I know all is well. At the moment, our schedule is tight for reasons mentioned above and finally, be informed that I had forwarded instructions to my associate on your behalf, so waste no time!

Mary Leroy

-----------------------------------------------------

To: mleroy@rediffmail.com
Subject: RE: Compensation

Mary,
Kind of surprised to hear from you, I must admit. This isn't a trick, is it? Don't get me wrong, if you REALLY are trying to compensate me for past efforts I gladly accept. But if I remember correctly you weren't really too pleased with my, um "efforts." I mean, aside form a little data entry I think my only real activity in the office was getting coked out of my mind at the holiday party and banging your daughter on your desk (although I suppose that DOES qualify me as playing a major role! LOL). And again, I can't apologize enough for getting our... mess... on your framed diplomas. It's kind of funny now, I guess, but it sure was embarrassing at the time.

Anyway, I suppose this is what they mean by Forgive and Forget. So if you really do want to offer some profit sharing I gladly accept.

James

PS- I hope this isn't a sore subject, but since she obviously didn't get the abortion, do you think you could ask your daughter (I apologize, but I forgot her name!) to return the $200 I gave her for that purpose? Realistically, with what you're sending me $200 is nothing, but it's more or less the principle of the thing.

Fun with spam emails IV

I really don't expect a response from this guy, but rest assured I'll post it if I get one:

Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 10:48:10 -0400
From: roger@framejet.com
Subject: I can send you $622.77 TONIGHT

Dear friend,

I would like to send you $622.77 tonight:

http://fblahblahblah.com/dig6cuyqj

I am NOT crazy, I just made over $214,000 in the last two months...making money online is the way to go!

I hope to hear from you soon!

Thank you!

Chris

P.S.
Go here if you want $622.77 sent to you tonight:
http://fblahblahblah.com/dig6cuyqj

-----------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 3:45 PM

From: roger@framejet.com

Subject: RE: I can send you $622.77 TONIGHT

Fuck you, Chris. It's bad enough you literally took a shit on my couch when we were college roommates, but to keep taunting me, all these years later, through these thinly-disguised emails is just rude. Don't forget, it was in fact YOU who first promised to repay me the $622.77 that it cost to have the couch professionally cleaned. To not only never pay me back, but keep sending me these ridiculous emails just shows what a miserable lowlife prick you really are. If I had known this was the kind of "friend" you'd turn out to be, I would've never offered to come pick you up from that filthy dive in Tijuana. Just thank your lucky stars that the pictures we took of your unfortunate involvement in that donkey show never came out, or you'd have more internet fame than 2 Girls 1 Cup.

You're a dick. Grow up and stop having a laugh at my expense.

Rick

PS- I hope for your sake your diet has improved since ruining my couch. The cleaners told me that a normal human shit would've been a breeze to clean and only set me back $50.

The Losers

I’m a sucker for a good “ragtag band of badasses working against the odds” flick. From Usual Suspects on down to Predator, that’s just good shit. And this one follows the blueprint to the T: The gruff, tough-as-nails leader with a heart of gold and chin of granite; the soft-spoken sniper; the knife specialist; the computer expert; even the wisecracking white guy who’s self-deprecating humor belies his deadly skills. Oh, and they were framed and left for dead by the clandestine shadow organization that had previously been their command.

Fast paced, frenetic editing, stylish shots and camerawork, and the best use of a Journey song in the history of cinema to date. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, and it’s got plenty of action. Clever writing, sharp dialogue, big guns and lotsa ‘splosions!

Chris Evans is pitch-perfect. His biting sarcasm and quick wit on full display, like Ryan Reynolds without the irony. And his perfection in this role is further evidence that he is the worst possible choice to play Captain America. It’s just not his style. To put him in a role where he can be tough but not sarcastic is a disservice to both him and his audience.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is awesome, the prototypical comic book toughguy. Remember how cool Arnold used to be in his 80’s action flicks? JDM is the updated version of that, and I mean that in a good way. Couple this with his turn last year as the Comedian, as well as his role (albeit brief) as Pop Winchester, and he is on a fast track to securing his place in the badass hall of fame. Sadly, his involvement in Grey’s Anatomy is still a black mark on his record.

Jason Patric is a surprisingly phenomenal villain. Very one-dimensional, but that’s the kind of movie this is. And you don’t mind it at all. Trust me. He’s so devious, so evil, and yet so damn charming and darkly hilarious. Bra-fucking-vo.

If you like action movies that don't try to pretend they're more than they actually are- if you liked Smokin' Aces- you should love this.

Warrior Dash

A few months ago, my buddy Steven Rowland told me about the Warrior Dash, a 3-mile run/obstacle course. They set it up a few different places around the country, and they were scheduled to stop an hour north of San Diego.

http://www.warriordash.com/register2010_socal.php

Not only did it look cool, but everyone who signs up gets a bitchin free hat!

http://www.warriordash.com/faq.php

That was all the motivation I needed. Except I forgot about it for a while. I only just signed up last week, 8 days before the actual race. With just a week to train, I figured I should maybe run a little, y’know, to get kind of in shape. So I jogged halfway down my street one morning. And that was the extent of training.

Very similar to my training regimen for a hike up Mt Whitney- tallest peak in the lower 48- a few years back. We had read online that the hike is good for a 2-day trip, but that fit individuals could do it in one. Anyway, about a week before that, I hadn’t done much to get in shape so I decided to ride an exercise bike for 30 minutes. Once. Training concluded, I made a successful hike. 9 hours up, 5 hours down. Wearing shorts and Tevas.

That experience basically taught me that I can get by without training, in much the same way high school taught me I could get by without studying or starting projects early. Yay procrastination!

Realistically, though, I knew that training would be helpful. My cardio is for shit. Honestly. I get winded walking up a few flights of stairs. But I do have a couple things going for me- one, I am actually strong for my scrawny frame. I never exercise. Ever (hence the bad cardio). But I could probably knock out 45 push-ups in under a minute. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I am stubborn as fuck. Not just stubborn; Irish stubborn. Tell me I can’t do something, and I’ll do it out of spite. Well, 50-50 if I ACTUALLY do it, I’m also lazy. But back to the stubbornness- it has gotten me through a lot. Like the aforementioned Mt Whitney.

Saturday was my day to run at 5PM. But before I got to do it, I had to cruise up to LA with Sherri to see some friends that were in town for the weekend. The plan: leave at 1PM, make a 2 hour dive to LA, 1 hour drive to Warrior Dash so I have an hour to hang out beforehand, one hour drive back home, then tomorrow reprise the 2-hour LA drive to pick Sherri up and relax for the rest of Sunday.

The reality: 3 ½ hour drive to LA. Fucking traffic! On a Saturday?!? Followed by a 2-hour drive to the Dash. So I missed my time. I was so angry sitting in that traffic, there are not words angry enough to describe it. At one point I was clenching my fist so tightly I thought I was going to snap one of my metacarpals. I was almost an hour late, and my run was the last one of the day. Luckily, they told me I could run Sunday instead. Crisis averted.

So after spending almost 7 hours to drive 250 miles on Saturday, I was sooooo fucking sick of driving. And I would have to do another 220-mile LA trip before driving the 50 miles to the race Sunday. I didn’t know if I could do it. This from a guy who used to love road trips more than anything. I’ve driven from Detroit to NYC to watch the ball drop on New Years Eve, then turned around and drove home. I’ve also driven to Long Island to take my sister to dinner for her birthday, and drove home after. I’ve driven from Detroit to New Orleans, DC, San Jose, Minneapolis, and Denver. And from D-town to San Diego maybe 6 or 7 times (including once in 45 hours- take THAT Cannonball Run).

Back to the task at hand- I hate running. I consider it to be one of the 2 greatest evils in the world. And yes, the other one is traffic. Great weekend for me, no? The entire time I was getting ready for the run, I never really considered that 3 miles isn’t really a short distance. At least not to someone who never exercises. Ever.

On top of that, I only just saw the obstacles Saturday morning, too. Jumping over fire? Why not.

It hit me after maybe the first half-mile. I was starting to get tired already. By mile 1 I thought I might puke. Keep in mind here we’re pretty much all jogging. Nobody is really embracing the ‘race’ aspect of this, it’s more fun for the obstacles. When I finally got to the water table at the halfway point, I was crushed that I was only half done. By mile 2, my lungs felt like they would explode. Most of the obstacles were in the second half of the race though, which actually helped. Breaks up the monotony and pain of running.

But I made it! Success! Warrior Dash conquered, obstacles bested, fire leapt. And in a respectable (to me at least) time of about 35 minutes.

Here are some video highlights

Full Moon

We had an amazing full moon the other night, so Sherri and I went out and took some pics. She's been getting back into photography quite a bit, and I've always loved messing around with the camera. Here's a few that she took, using different shutter speeds.






That last one looks really spooky to me. It just evokes thoughts of classic horror movies. Nothing like a good full moon to give you the creeps.

And here's a couple I took. I've always liked extended exposure to create ghost images, and I've recently been playing with extended exposure while zooming.



I think we got a lot of cool shots that night. Makes me want to go out more often with the camera.