The Grey

I had been looking forward to The Grey ever since I first saw the trailer. Liam Neeson has become a favorite badass of mine. Which, by the way, when did that happen? Sure, he's skirted tough-guy status before: Ra's al Ghul, Qui-Gon Jinn (one of the few enjoyable aspects of a certain trilogy that I refer to as Lucas' Shame), even as far back as Darkman- but even those characters were just moderately formidable, not outright ass kickers. Add to that roll call all the dramatic turns he's taken- Schindler, Kinsey- and it sort of evens him out. But somewhere around Taken he became a legitimate, hardcore, Bourne-esque man not to be fucked with. And not just a badass, but a resourceful one. A guy who can solve any problem, overcome any obstacle, and do it in a way that makes it seem like he's done it all before. And the crazy thing is that it was such a smooth transition. Never a moment of doubt that he could kill a man with his bare hands 7 different ways. To the point where I want him to go up against The Expendables. And win. I honestly don't have a problem with his tough guy status. In fact, I love it. It just seems so... unexpected in retrospect.

Two of the most "Oh no he didn't!" moments in the movie, to me, were at the initial wreck site. First, he talked a fatally wounded companion through his own death. That takes fucking cojones like I couldn't even imagine. Shortly after, he tells Diaz "I'm going to start beating the shit out of you in about 5 seconds." Start. Start beating the shit out of you. The inclusion of that one little word makes a world of difference. Most threats of that ilk are just a proclamation that someone will beat the shit out of someone else. But for him to say he's going to start beating the shit out of Diaz? That implies that it is going to be a long, and extremely painful beating.

Anyway, I had wanted to see The Grey on opening weekend, but was unable to go. Movie pal David Novin did go see it though, and immediately after he sent me a text letting me know. "How was it?" I texted back. A noticeably long pause preceded his stark reply: "I feel cold and empty inside."  Now I was even more excited. Not to mention this was sure to be a much needed action movie break from the CGI porn overload that's been so prevalent lately.

Speaking of CGI, that was by far the most terrifying plane crash I have ever seen in movies or TV. I was legitimately afraid sitting in my plush, reclining seat in a theater that suddenly felt about 10 degrees colder than when I first walked in. Dammit, Novin was right. Everything about the movie chilled me to the core, physically and emotionally. It was so barren, so isolating, so... empty. Survival in its most raw form. Add to the already tense and hopeless scenario the flashbacks that haunted our protagonist, and it was an effort not to give up myself. But as grim as it was, I had one humorous thought pop into my head- so many of the characters had flashbacks/hallucinations/visions of previous relationships: Liam's wife, one guy's sister, another's daughter. I thought it would be hilarious if Diaz, in his dying moments, had a vision of the admittedly repulsive hooker he had recently been with.

I had minor complaints with the reality of some aspects of the movie- like humans outrunning wolves... in snow; the presumption that they had enough extra gear to make an improvised rope, as well as the wolves being able to cross the same chasm unassisted and just as quickly; the abrupt disappearance of the wolves- formerly in hot pursuit- after Hendrick fell into the river. But again, these are minor points overall. Nothing so glaring as to undermine the story itself. My biggest gripe after seeing it is that they gave away the best scene (and one of the best scenes in cinema in recent memory) in the trailer. Still... soooooooo effing cool seeing him improvise some duel-to-the-death weapons and leap headlong into the face of his own certain demise, swinging for the fences as he did. (one other... complaint? in that last scene, there was one shot that showed the scar on his cheek being on the wrong side of his face. Clearly a mirror image of footage they used for some unknown reason. Seems like an amateur mistake, and it honestly distracted me for a moment)

The post-credits scene was both chilling and rewarding, in a way that only a badass could deliver. He fought that wolf to the death. And he took the wolf with him. Great movie, loved every moment of it. In my own little "I want to be a director" mind, I kind of wish they had used a second bonus scene showing a rescue team at the crash site. Just to really crush your spirits a little bit more. Make that cold, empty feeling linger a bit longer with the suggestion that had they not taken off into the woods they might have lived.

Hangover 2: Same shit, different year (and I mean SAME shit)

The Hangover still stands in my mind as one of the greatest comedies ever made. It is just so fucking good. The day it became available on On Demand cable I watched it 3 times, and at least once a day (if not more) every day after for the next few weeks. That movie is just full of comedic goodness, it never gets old.

I anxiously awaited the sequel with great anticipation, but also a bit of trepidation- how the Hell could you possibly follow a movie that good? A tough feat indeed that only few accomplish successfully; trying to recapture the magic of the original, balancing the tightrope of paying homage and still being fresh (Boondock Saints 2, for example).

The opening scene was nearly identical, shot for shot, right down to using a Danzig song. To me, that was a great move. There's no way you can come up with a better opening than the first one so why not use that same opening? It didn't come off as cheap or hacky, either, just the perfect tribute to a fantastic comedy. Sort of tipping it's hat to it's own roots.

But it was kind of downhill from there. There's a fine line between giving a nod to your predecessor and just lazily copying it. Let's check the scorecard:

• Stu's face fucked up? check
• Gotta find someone they lost? check
• Alan accidentally roofied them? check
• Ken Jeong's weiner? check
• Stu falls for a stripper? check
• Somehow in possession of a tiny mammal? check
• Ken Jeong leaps out of a small space and attacks them? check
• Stu sings a song about them as they retrace their steps? check
• Tyson? check
• Tyson singing? double check
• ending with "Hey guys, I found some pictures from last night" check

I realize the pictures at the end of the first one was one of the highlights, but if you're going to carbon-copy replicate the opening scene, you can't do it again at the end. Be creative for fuck's sake. Find a new way to do it. Just waaaaaaaaaaaay too copy-cat of the whole fucking movie.

Not horrible, but not worth $8. Don't get me wrong- it had some great moments, like Alan's flashback, but not enough of those moments to carry the movie. Wait for cable.

Priest. Not even a movie can make them cool

I actually had hope for this movie. It looked like it could be a really cool warrior-on-a-mission-to-save-the-people movie, set in an anachronistic, dystopian future. You expect a lot of "cheesy and ridiculous" in an action/horror movie like this, but Priest didn't have very much "cool" to balance it out. It's definitely one of those style-over-substance movies. Unfortunately, the style they ended up with- retro 80's soundstage- is about 25 years out of date.

From the looks of it, they tried to make a future reminiscent of Road Warrior meets Blade Runner meets Alien, but it ended up more like Metalstorm meets Spacehunter meets... I don't know, some shitty 80's monster movie. CHUD, maybe? If you've seen any of those movies, congratulations- you're a true child of the 80's and movie geek.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like it was a horrible movie. It was just kind of boring, which in a way is worse. A bad movie you can mock, make fun of, ridicule. A boring movie is just... kind of there. You don't care about any of the characters, or this world's humanity as a whole. There's no reason to really give a shit at all what happens to any of these people.

And that's really all you can say about this movie. It's just... there. Sort of like K-Mart, or Applebee's. Nothing to get excited about but not worth hating.

The Expendables

aka "Thank You, Stallone, For Not Making Me Feel Like I Wasted $8"

Short version- As a friend of mine so perfectly summed it up- "Dialog was clunky as hell at times and it looked like it was going to really suck half way through, but the last part of the movie made up for the lagging parts."

That is exactly how I felt about the movie. For maybe 30 minutes or so, it seemed like it was going to be the most atrocious, unwatchable pile of filth since GI Joe.

Spoilers ahead.

The beginning was OK, as we are dropped in on the Expendables in action. A very fun and frenetic scene, delivering not only on the promise that the previews made to us, but also on fleshing out the characters.

But once they returned home to their variously monotonous lives, I was afraid that the whole thing was falling apart. The dialogue was pretty fucking bad. I realize what this movie is supposed to be, an homage to action flicks starring the best of the best (or most of them anyway- would've loved to see JCVD in there). And as such, you can't in all good conscience hold it up to the same standards that you might a regular movie. But at times it seemed like they had forgotten the gag; that they were suddenly trying to take themselves seriously.

Randy Couture was kind of a waste. He is most definitely a horrible actor, reading his lines as thought he were trying to one-up (or one-down?) Michael Madsen's turn in Sin City. Just fucking awful. But even beyond that, he was pretty underused in the flick. The part about his ear, and his oversensitivity to its condition, was like an in-joke that nobody was in on. Again, I realize the irony of criticizing acting abilities in a movie of this scope. But in all honesty, the rest of the cast held their own. Say what you will about Stallone, at least he can act. True, it may not be "acting" so much as being himself, but Couture's time on camera was so wooden and forced it just felt painful to watch.

Statham especially is actually a pretty decent actor (though much of the material given to him here was clunky as hell). The guy knows how to play a toughguy-with-a-heart role. Even Lundgren had a pretty convincing performance as the washed up, unstable turncoat.

Mickey Rourke was criminally under-utilized in the movie. He's not necessarily a marquee action star, but he's tough enough to deserve some action scenes. He was barely around enough to deliver half-hearted monologues about love and honor. I suppose that could be attributed to the real-life deterioration of his mental faculties. How do I know, you may ask, that his mind is slipping? Well other than the evidence in any recent interview he's given, the man drooled during many of his meandering soliloquies. Drooled.

To me, Predator is the ultimate ensemble action movie. It is the bar that all films like this strive to reach. And though there is no shame in not reaching that peak, because few movies do, The Expendables actually surpassed Predator in one memorable category. Anyone here worth their testosterone knows that the baddest gun ever to grace the screen was Jesse Ventura's "Ol' Painless." And that gun's sheer ferocity has never come close to being matched. Until Terry Crews unleashed the fury of his as-yet-unnamed "girlfriend." Holy schnikes!!!

Minutiae:
--The inclusion of Willis and Arnold was a nice touch. Brief, but just having them appear was a cool nod to 2 of the biggest in the genre.
--They could've trimmed some of the unnecessary and unimportant stuff, like Statham's girlfriend, or the tattoo shop (is it too over-critical of me to question why Stallone's unfinished tattoo needed literally 9 seconds of inkwork for Rourke to finish? Was the only reason for the inclusion of that scene to show off Stallone's tattoos?)
--The scene where Stallone was running after the airplane... let's just say that watching him run was a definite, concrete reminder that the man is over 60 years old. I can see why they edited it the way they did, to only show brief glimpses of him running. He ran as though he actually had shit in his pants.
--Seeing Big Nog and Little Nog as 2 of the henchmen was cool. Probably only going to be appreciated by hardcore MMA fans.
--Austin was a good villain. Fortunately they didn't give him much dialogue and let him play to his strength.

Maybe the only other thing that would've made this better would have been to not only have JCVD in it, but have him play Statham's romantic rival. No way his ego would've allowed that though.

Overall, I'd give it a solid B-, 2.5 out of 4 stars, a modest thumbs-up. Don't rush to catch it in the theater, but it's worth seeing.

Fun with spam emails

Haven't been hearing back from any of these folks lately. Can't figure out why.

From: m.leroy@webmail.co.za
Subject: RE: Compensation

Hello friend,

I'm happy to inform you about our success in getting the funds transferred under the cooperation and supervision of a new partner from South Africa. Presently, we are in Africa to supervise and monitor investing in aforementioned projects knowing fully well that the FIFA World Cup is around the corner.

Anyways, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist my firm in the deployment of the funds into your account, regardless our hassles to succeed, been that you have once participated in the project and played a major, I cannot just leave you behind now that I fortune has smiled on me. To this regards, I personally decided to compensate you for your interest, efforts and co-operation in the past.

I would advice you contact my associate, Charles Barbour who is also in Africa to this mail. Your are to request to be sent you the total of ($3,000.000 USD) Three Million United States Dollars Only since obviously, you don’t transact in pounds sterling in your country. My Boss is a man of his words hence my emailing you to keep the pact we made with you in the past. I sincerely do appreciate all your efforts in the past and feel free and get in touch with my associate and direct him where to send your benefits to you. Do not forget to let us know immediately you receive it so I know all is well. At the moment, our schedule is tight for reasons mentioned above and finally, be informed that I had forwarded instructions to my associate on your behalf, so waste no time!

Mary Leroy

-----------------------------------------------------

To: mleroy@rediffmail.com
Subject: RE: Compensation

Mary,
Kind of surprised to hear from you, I must admit. This isn't a trick, is it? Don't get me wrong, if you REALLY are trying to compensate me for past efforts I gladly accept. But if I remember correctly you weren't really too pleased with my, um "efforts." I mean, aside form a little data entry I think my only real activity in the office was getting coked out of my mind at the holiday party and banging your daughter on your desk (although I suppose that DOES qualify me as playing a major role! LOL). And again, I can't apologize enough for getting our... mess... on your framed diplomas. It's kind of funny now, I guess, but it sure was embarrassing at the time.

Anyway, I suppose this is what they mean by Forgive and Forget. So if you really do want to offer some profit sharing I gladly accept.

James

PS- I hope this isn't a sore subject, but since she obviously didn't get the abortion, do you think you could ask your daughter (I apologize, but I forgot her name!) to return the $200 I gave her for that purpose? Realistically, with what you're sending me $200 is nothing, but it's more or less the principle of the thing.

Fun with spam emails IV

I really don't expect a response from this guy, but rest assured I'll post it if I get one:

Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 10:48:10 -0400
From: roger@framejet.com
Subject: I can send you $622.77 TONIGHT

Dear friend,

I would like to send you $622.77 tonight:

http://fblahblahblah.com/dig6cuyqj

I am NOT crazy, I just made over $214,000 in the last two months...making money online is the way to go!

I hope to hear from you soon!

Thank you!

Chris

P.S.
Go here if you want $622.77 sent to you tonight:
http://fblahblahblah.com/dig6cuyqj

-----------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 3:45 PM

From: roger@framejet.com

Subject: RE: I can send you $622.77 TONIGHT

Fuck you, Chris. It's bad enough you literally took a shit on my couch when we were college roommates, but to keep taunting me, all these years later, through these thinly-disguised emails is just rude. Don't forget, it was in fact YOU who first promised to repay me the $622.77 that it cost to have the couch professionally cleaned. To not only never pay me back, but keep sending me these ridiculous emails just shows what a miserable lowlife prick you really are. If I had known this was the kind of "friend" you'd turn out to be, I would've never offered to come pick you up from that filthy dive in Tijuana. Just thank your lucky stars that the pictures we took of your unfortunate involvement in that donkey show never came out, or you'd have more internet fame than 2 Girls 1 Cup.

You're a dick. Grow up and stop having a laugh at my expense.

Rick

PS- I hope for your sake your diet has improved since ruining my couch. The cleaners told me that a normal human shit would've been a breeze to clean and only set me back $50.

The Losers

I’m a sucker for a good “ragtag band of badasses working against the odds” flick. From Usual Suspects on down to Predator, that’s just good shit. And this one follows the blueprint to the T: The gruff, tough-as-nails leader with a heart of gold and chin of granite; the soft-spoken sniper; the knife specialist; the computer expert; even the wisecracking white guy who’s self-deprecating humor belies his deadly skills. Oh, and they were framed and left for dead by the clandestine shadow organization that had previously been their command.

Fast paced, frenetic editing, stylish shots and camerawork, and the best use of a Journey song in the history of cinema to date. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, and it’s got plenty of action. Clever writing, sharp dialogue, big guns and lotsa ‘splosions!

Chris Evans is pitch-perfect. His biting sarcasm and quick wit on full display, like Ryan Reynolds without the irony. And his perfection in this role is further evidence that he is the worst possible choice to play Captain America. It’s just not his style. To put him in a role where he can be tough but not sarcastic is a disservice to both him and his audience.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is awesome, the prototypical comic book toughguy. Remember how cool Arnold used to be in his 80’s action flicks? JDM is the updated version of that, and I mean that in a good way. Couple this with his turn last year as the Comedian, as well as his role (albeit brief) as Pop Winchester, and he is on a fast track to securing his place in the badass hall of fame. Sadly, his involvement in Grey’s Anatomy is still a black mark on his record.

Jason Patric is a surprisingly phenomenal villain. Very one-dimensional, but that’s the kind of movie this is. And you don’t mind it at all. Trust me. He’s so devious, so evil, and yet so damn charming and darkly hilarious. Bra-fucking-vo.

If you like action movies that don't try to pretend they're more than they actually are- if you liked Smokin' Aces- you should love this.